Maintaining relationships: Information for birth relatives

Example of a Settling in Letter from adoptive parents

This is a letter that will be sent to you as a birth parent within the first few months of your child(ren) moving to live with their adoptive family. This will usually be shared with you by your child’s social worker.

Dear Sam,

We hope this letter finds you well. We wanted to share with you how Phoebe has been settling in with us over the past six weeks. It’s important to us that you know she is safe, loved, and cared for deeply.

Phoebe is such a bright, curious little girl. She’s been exploring her new surroundings with wide eyes and a cheeky smile. Her favourite things right now are stacking blocks, dancing to music in the kitchen, and cuddling up with her soft bunny at bedtime. She’s also started saying a few words “mama,” “ball,” and “uh-oh” are her current favourites!

We’ve been spending lots of time helping her feel secure and building a rhythm to her days. She loves her bath time routine and has started to recognise when it’s time for stories and snuggles. We’re learning what comforts her and what makes her laugh, and we feel so lucky to be getting to know her in this way.

There have been moments of sadness and confusion too, which we know are part of her journey. We hold those feelings gently with her, and we talk to her about her story in ways she can understand. We want her to grow up knowing that all parts of her life are important and that she is surrounded by love, from us, and from you.

We think of you often and speak about you with kindness and respect. We know how much you care about her, and we want to honour that. If you’d like, we can include a photo or drawing in our next letter so you can see how she’s growing.

Thank you for the love you’ve given her. We promise to keep nurturing that love as she grows.

With warm wishes,

Kate & Saskia

Example of a reply from Sam a birth parent

This is an example of how you may want to reply to your settling in letter from your child(ren)’s adoptive family.

Dear Kate and Saskia,

Thank you so much for your letter. I’ve read it a few times now, and each time it brings up a lot of feelings, some hard, some comforting. I’m really grateful that you took the time to write and to share how Phoebe is doing. It means a lot to me.

It’s good to hear that she’s settling in and that she’s being loved and cared for. I smiled when I read about her dancing in the kitchen and cuddling her bunny. That sounds just like her. I miss her every day, and it’s hard not being with her, but knowing she’s safe and happy helps me hold onto some peace.

I’ve been working on myself and getting better, and some days are better than others. I’ve had a lot to deal with, and sometimes it’s hard to trust or feel strong. But I’m trying. Reading about Phoebe’s routines and her little words makes me feel proud of her.

Thank you for speaking about me with kindness. That means more than I can say. I hope one day Phoebe will know that I’ve always loved her, even when I couldn’t be the mum she needed. I’d love to see a photo of her if that’s okay. Just knowing how she’s growing helps me feel connected.

Please keep writing when you can. I’ll keep doing my best to be strong for her.

With love,

Sam

Examples of newsletters from adoptive parents

This is an example of a letter from an adoptive family to birth parents. Letters from your child(ren)’s adoptive family may be similar to this.

Example 1

Letter to birth mum:

Dear Erica,

We hope this letter finds you well. It’s been lovely to continue sharing updates with you about Mya and Jack. They’ve now been with us for three years, and it’s been a joy watching them grow and develop their own little personalities.

Jack is full of energy and curiosity, he loves building things, especially with Lego, and has recently started asking lots of “why” questions! Mya is cheeky and affectionate; she loves music and has started dancing around the living room whenever a song comes on. They have a strong bond and are always looking out for each other.

As always, we’ve included their handprints and a ribbon to show how much they’ve grown. We hope these little keepsakes help you feel connected to them. We talk to them about their story in ways they can understand, and we speak about you with kindness and respect.

We know you’ve been working hard to overcome some challenges, and we admire your strength. Please know that your love for them is part of their story, and we’re committed to honouring that.

Warm wishes,

Steve & Harriet

Letter to birth dad:

Dear Ryan,

We hope you’re doing okay and settling into life outside of prison. We wanted to share an update on Mya and Jack, who have now been with us for three years.

Jack is thriving, he’s a lively, thoughtful boy who loves building and exploring. Mya is growing fast and has a real spark; she’s always smiling and loves to dance. They’re very close and enjoy playing together, especially outdoors.

We’ve included their handprints and a ribbon again so you can see how much they’ve grown. We know things have been difficult for you, and we hope you’re finding support as you move forward. We speak about you with respect and make sure the children know they are loved by many.

Take care,

Steve & Harriet

Example of a reply from Erica & Ryan, birth parents

These are examples of how you might like to word your letter back to your child(ren)’s adoptive family. If you need help or support with this you can speak to the Maintaining Connexions worker.

Dear Steve and Harriet,

Thank you for your letter and for continuing to send updates about Mya and Jack. I look forward to hearing from you, it helps me feel close to them even though I’m not with them.

Reading about how they’re growing and what they enjoy makes me smile. I can picture Jack asking his questions and Mya dancing around. I miss them every day but knowing they’re happy and safe helps me keep going.

I’ve been trying to work on myself, and while it’s not easy, I’m still trying. Some days are harder than others, but I want to be someone they can be proud of. Thank you for speaking about me kindly and for helping them know they are loved.

The handprints and ribbon mean a lot. I keep them safe and look at them when I need strength.

With love,

Erica

Dear Steve and Harriet,

Thanks for your letter. It means a lot to hear how Mya and Jack are doing. I’ve just come out of prison and I’m trying to get my life back on track. It’s not easy, but I want to do better, for them and for myself.

I’m glad they’re doing well. Jack sounds like he’s got a lot of energy, and Mya seems like a little star. I miss them, but I’m grateful they’re with people who care about them.

Thanks for including the handprints and ribbon again. I’ve kept everyone you’ve sent. It helps me feel like I’m still part of their lives, even from a distance.

I appreciate you keeping me in the loop. I’ll keep trying to be someone they can be proud of.

All the best,

Ryan

Example 2

Letter for birth mum

Dear Priya,

We hope you are keeping well. It’s been a lovely year with Aanya, and we wanted to share some of the highlights with you.

As you will know, Aanya is now six and has just started Year 2 at school. She’s doing really well, her teachers say she’s kind, thoughtful, and always eager to learn. She particularly enjoys reading and has recently started chapter books. Her current favourite is The Worst Witch, which she reads every night before bed.

She’s also very creative and loves drawing and painting. Her bedroom walls are covered in her artwork, and she recently won a small prize in a local art competition for a painting of a rainbow jungle! We have included a copy of the picture so you can see how well she did.

Outside of school, Aanya has been learning Bollywood dance at a community centre, and she absolutely loves it. She performed in a small show last month and was so proud to wear her sparkly costume and dance in front of an audience.

We went on a family trip to the Lake District in the summer, where Aanya tried canoeing for the first time and loved it. She’s becoming more adventurous and confident every day.

Aanya often talks about her family and roots, and we make sure to celebrate festivals like Diwali and Holi together. She helped decorate the house with diyas last year and made colourful rangoli patterns with chalk.

We hope this letter brings you comfort and joy. Aanya is growing into a bright, compassionate and joyful little girl, and we’re so lucky to have her in our lives.

Warmest regards,

Emma, Raj & Aanya xx

Example response from birth mum

Dear Emma, Raj and Aanya,

Thank you so much for your lovely letter. It made me feel happy to read about Aanya. I smiled all the way through, though I do miss her a lot.

I am so proud Aanya is six now and doing well in Year 2. It is so good that she loves reading books. The Worst Witch sounds like a fun story, I have heard of it.  I like that she reads every night, she must be getting good at reading.

Her rainbow jungle picture is beautiful thank you for sending me a copy. Winning a prize is amazing well done Aanya! She is very clever and creative, I used to like drawing too but I am not as good as she is already.

I love hearing about her dancing. Bollywood dance sounds exciting I have seen it on TV. I bet she looked so pretty in her sparkly costume. I wish I could have seen her dance.

Your trip to the Lake District sounds lovely too. Canoeing is brave I don’t think I would have done it. I can’t swim and would have been scared, but I am proud Aanya tried something new and you help her to do this.

It is so nice that you celebrate Diwali and Holi together, I can think of you when I am celebrating too. I like that Aanya helps with decorations and rangoli. It makes me feel close to her knowing she enjoys these things the same as I do.

I am trying to keep myself busy. I have been finding things hard sometimes. I feel sad and tired on some days. But I have people who help me when I need it which I did not have before. I go to see someone who listens to me and helps me feel better. I am trying my best and want Aanya to be proud of me like I am of her.

I like doing things that make me feel calm now. I enjoy listening to music and going for walks in the park. I like looking at the trees and flowers. It helps me feel calm and quiet inside and stops some of the noises that always go on in my head. Sometimes I hum songs when I walk, and that makes me smile.

Thank you for telling me all these things about Aanya. It makes me happy that she is doing so well and you talk about me. I think of Aanya often and I love her very much. Please give her a big hug from me and tell her I am proud of her.

Love from

Priya xx