Claire and Richard’s journey to adoption

Sitting down to write this, it is hard to believe that just a few years ago the delightful young man that we are proud to call our son was not yet a part of our lives. I don’t know what it is like to have a birth child, but I can’t imagine loving anyone any more than I love my son. I love him more because he is adopted and the strength and resilience, he shows in daily life despite having been through so many past difficulties. 

When we first started to look into adoption, I was 44 and my husband was 55. We worried that we were too old, however we were reassured by social workers from the outset that this was not the case and that we had a lot to offer. The assessment process was a positive one, focusing on what we could do and encouraging us to look at our strengths as a couple.

 We made a decision fairly early on to go for an older child, which in adoption terms means aged 4 or above. We were told that children aged 4 and over, and in particular boys, were hard to find adoptive families for. It felt right for us as a couple to go for a child who was considered hard to place. As part of the process, we analysed what we thought we could cope with in terms of the needs of the child. We both felt that we couldn’t cope with any significant additional needs. With older children a lot more is known about their needs, medical and academic. Obviously nothing is guaranteed, and we love our son no matter what, however it feels with an older child that you are possibly making more of an informed choice.

 As there were no children meeting our criteria locally, we were given access to the national database. Choosing one child from the 800 on there was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Once we had chosen, we were quickly matched and in a very short space of time we were on to introductions. 

Our son was 6 when he came home. It is such a huge shock to go from not being a parent to suddenly having a very busy and very talkative 6 year old in the house. One of the main differences with an older child is that our son has lots of memories of life with his birth family. My advice to new adoptive parents is to embrace your child’s life story, be open and respectful about it. 

Also with an older child, they come to you as a person who already knows their own mind. They know what they like to do, what they like to eat and what they think you should be doing as their parent! I think this makes it a very different kind of challenge to bringing home a baby or a toddler.

My husband and I took shared parental leave from work for 6 months each, both at the same time. For a school age child this worked really well as within a month of placement he was starting school. We therefore had time to bond together as a family before getting into the daily routine of school. 

Communicating with school about our son’s needs has been somewhat of a challenge. We had a lot of help from the Virtual Head for previously looked after children based at the Council. I would strongly recommend to new adoptive parents finding out who this person is in your own local authority. Ours has been a huge support. 

Adoption has been the most challenging thing I have ever done, but also by far the best thing I have ever done. There is a huge joy and pride in seeing our young man grow and develop. If you are considering adoption, remember that no-one is perfect, consider your strengths, work on your weaknesses and maybe think about a child who is just that little bit older.